Intro - Context

I have an insane amount of freedom and agency these days. I go to campus/classes whenever I like. My parents pretty much allow me to do anything I want because they trust me, I’m responsible and I don’t do dumb shit. With my car(absolutely blessed), I can literally go wherever I want or need. Whats weird is that, I’ve been going out less often than before. Something has me feeling off recently…

How I’ve been feeling

Last year was my first year of university and it was great. I was settling in, met a bunch of new people and it was generally pretty exciting throughout. I had a great balance of work and social life. I didn’t have as much agency as I do now.

This year, I’ve been feeling a huge social disconnect. At the same time, I’ve been excelling in my aspirations and school work, far more than I did last year.

On the one hand, thats great right? On the other hand, I don’t have the close relationships I had last year.

So, when I do accomplish something I’m really proud of, its kinda important for me to recieve some kind of feedback or just idk, something yknow? I feel like the more I progress the more people seem to leave.

Activities

I go out fairly often and it’s not like I don’t have friends around. But when I do, whether its going out clubbing or chilling at a friends place, I go because I feel like its important to be included. I know that I won’t be studying forever so I have this fear deep down that I’ll miss out on social experiences. I don’t enjoy hanging out as much as I used to anymore.

I literally do not care about anyone, which is such a shitty thing to say, but I genuinely feel like this.
I’m constantly surrounded by so many people I could reach out and talk to, but I don’t. I just do not care.

People around me are constantly talking about this new food place, or this new club, or this new game, or this new movie, or this person on instagram or whatever and it’s so difficult to participate because the conversation doesn’t really engage me.

Whenever I do talk about the things I’m personally interested in, which is technology and psychology topics, I feel like a buzzkill. I have quite controversial opinions and hot takes on topics that many people disagree with or struggle to comprehend.

At the same time, when I do talk about things that interest me, I talk sooooo much and can never summarize it from a high level.

So, I feel like I can never just be honest and be myself. Obviously I do not want to offend anyone, that’s the last thing I’d want to do. Maybe its a self-confidence/fear issue.

Life Goals

I respect very few of my peers. The only people I respect, are people that are driven and constantly working on extra things, which in my university(rich kids) is incredibly rare to be honest. Doesn’t matter what it is, could be work, could be health, could be hobbies, as long as its something they’re pushing towards and improving upon.

I feel like its slowly killing me from the inside. Everyone else seems so… relaxed. Like there’s just no care in the world. I put so much pressure on myself to the point where it’s detrimental. I feel like I can’t relate to anyone anymore. Perhaps I feel like this because I’ve been isolating for so long. I feel like there’s just…. something deep down.

Clarifications

I wanna emphasize that I don’t think I’m “above” others in any way. I’m not self-absorbed or yearning for social acceptance. I just, suddenly feel a massive disconnect.